A Word from Our Sponsors
Every year when the Super Bowl rolls around, the hype around the commercials is as fervent as the game itself. That is because, by and large, commercials are too insufferable to watch the other 364 days of the year.
It seems like it is too much to ask to be entertained by the show AND the ads. Which is cruel considering a full 10 minutes of commercials air during a typical 30-minute show on cable or satellite.
As proof I submit the following:
The Cottonelle Lady
Please do not find any other creative ways to work my “bum” and the cleaning thereof into normal conversation and film it. The British accent does not make it classier, by the way. I hope they are paying you gobs and gobs of money because I am not sure how an actress rebounds after establishing the back side as a niche. Limiting I would think. It is my experience that people will figure out their bathroom hygiene without guidance through man on the street interviews. End of subject.
There should be no dancing in commercials. EVER. Seriously. The folks who love Wayfair do it. People who have heartburn or need laxatives do it. A commercial for Metro’s new Silver Line features it. Stop dancing right now. Collectively, we have suffered enough. Singing as an alternate is hanging on by a thread and should only include children and lip synching pets.
Bad Buzz Words
If you hear the words mesh, implant, compensation or dysfunction cover your children’s ears and dive for the remote. Apparently there is an endless stream of cases involving obscure medical complications awaiting disbursement. Most of these cases feature words associated with the Family Life curriculum and still make adults squirm. These commercials also have an abnormally high volume level no matter what the remote is set on.
In the Arms of the Angels….
Sad Sarah and her sad animals and that sad song. Now, let me say that I rescued a dog and these creatures need us. DO NOT WRITE LETTERS ABOUT ME AND MY HARD-HEARTED WAYS! But if you make the commercial so horrific that no one can bear to watch it, it is not super helpful to the animals. Show me a dog who lost a leg to abuse running through a field and I will be much more likely to take his resilient butt home and celebrate. I would rather hear “Sign, Sealed, Delivered, I’m Yours’” by Stevie Wonder playing in the background. This is where dog lip-synching would be good. Keep it peppy, people.
Speaking of lip-synching, I think that they are working on KidzBop #5,429 right now because they turn out one horrible CD of songs every day. What is worse is that my boys have found the KidzBop station on satellite radio so we can listen to tweens butcher popular songs any time we want. Hooray! The ads feature children lip-synching kid-friendly versions of current songs. All the songs sound a lot like the Brady Bunch kids when they called themselves the Silver Platters.
Every song also features background singers yelling “yeah” to punctuate every line. You haven’t lived until you have experienced their version of “Gangnam Style.”
The only up-side to the new commercials is that they no longer feature the kids peering out of the TV screen against a swirling backdrop of psychedelic colors. As if the songs were not dizzying enough! Now, the ads are filmed in an exotic locale—or really good sound stage—to make it seem like listening to KidzBop makes every day sunnier. This is blatant false advertising.
Prescriptions drugs are good. Commercials for prescription drugs are bad. The visual portion of these ads lead you to believe that this drug will improve your quality of life to rival a Disney production. The ensuing disclaimer features symptoms and circumstances so appalling it rivals a Stephen King novel.
The same voice-over actor is featured in every commercial it seems, and boy does he get air time. I suspect that a one minute ad features at least 30 seconds worth of disclaimers with 5-syllable words and dire warnings delivered at a rapid-fire pace. If the numbers 9-1-1- are in the disclaimer, how beneficial is that ad really?
Does all of this make you want to hug your DVR and its beautiful, fast forwarding ways? Me too. At least until Super Bowl Sunday comes around again to save us. Once a year just doesn’t seem often enough.