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About Magnificence in the Mundane

Bringing humor to the many challenges of parenting, driving a gigantic SUV full of smelly boys and their friends, letting go of the idea of perfection and tackling middle age all serve as my inspiration. We all have common experiences, I just share my take on the absurdity of every... Read more

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Planes, Gossip and Automobiles: The RHOPo Week 4 Recap

rhopThe Real Housewives of Potomac (RHOPo) took a Super Bowl hiatus last week because, obviously, both broadcasts share the same audience. Unlike the Super Bowl, the RHOPo features only ads for feminine products and other BRAVO shows but I’m sure those burly football guys just FLOCK to it anyway.

Week four opens with Karen at the Montgomery County Airpark fixin’ to get her pilot’s license. This is her time and apparently, she is getting the hell out of Potomac. Gizelle, dressed for lunch at Nordstroms, is dragged along to ogle hot pilots. Major props (that’s airline lingo) to the employee who didn’t run away or call for back-up when Karen tried to christen the plane with bottled water and started talking about the blood of Jesus.

Meanwhile, “Getting-a-Diamond-Outta-Andrew-is-my-J-O-B” Katie is frolicking at the playground with her three kids. Good thing the nanny tagged along because the kids cry every time Katie comes near them. The littlest angel freaked-the-freak-out when Ashley, the self-proclaimed baby whisperer, tried to pick her up. Whatever that nanny gets paid is not enough, especially because she made it possible for Katie to sit in a swing and chat with Ashley.

I totally get why Ashley, who has no kids and was nowhere near the neighborhood, stopped by. I mean all my childless friends were dying to meet me at the park when my kids were little and, you know, swing for a while. This was a badly disguised ploy to showcase the fact that Katie’s butt can fit into a child-sized swing after pushing out three kids. Unlike my rear, which would require a call to 911 and the Jaws of Life for extrication.

They had to follow up the bikini fashion show from the last episode somehow.

Ashley looked all dreamy as she twirled the chunky play-set chains and lamented turning 27. She cheered herself up by announcing that she had been Googling the Potomac Ladies. Allegedly, that’s what you do when you are trying to make new friends. I have been going about this all wrong. I’ve never Googled anyone but me and that was to make sure there weren’t college pics floating around the internet.

As the wind played with her poodle-do, Ashley gleefully announced that Robyn filed for bankruptcy. Like has $25 in the bank, bankruptcy. Katie shifted a little in the swing, dug deep in her extensive vocabulary and came up with, “really?”

That Katie…so insightful.

Ashley was clearly looking for fireworks when in actuality this info was more of a sparkler.

Low impact.

Way back in Week 2, Robyn sold her wedding dress to get a little walking around cash.  See, she’s not even pretending to have a nice kitchen or be married to the “Black Bill Gates” or anything.

#Epicgossipfail.

Andrew learned the hard way that any money saved on a giant diamond ring for Katie is gonna get eaten up by revenge home renovations. Andrew went golfing and came home to surprise make-overs just like on HGTV.  Magically in like, a day, she put up a wall for nanny privacy in the basement and made herself a “Mrs. Room.”  Katie is hoping that if she sits in that room long enough, a marriage license will appear.

We never got to see the nanny’s reaction to the plaster work but I’m guessing that girl is tired enough to sleep on the outer loop of the beltway at the end of the day. What with raising those three kids while Katie sharpens her claws and flips through Modern Bride magazine.

The big reveal doesn’t go like Katie planned. Andrew bit his tongue and looked queasy while the love drained right out of his face. Viewers waited for him to go in search of his house deed, just to make sure he hadn’t signed it over to Katie with every ounce of his masculinity.

Good thing they were going to Ashley’s kitten-themed birthday party that evening so Katie could suck that look right off Andrew’s face in overt, exhibitionist PDA.  Poor Cherrisse, who earlier confessed her marriage was crumbling, got a front row seat to the almost full frontal from Katie and Andrew.

Ain’t lust grand?

Katie kept threatening to get Andrew drunk and ring-happy but with the lack of open bar, she needed Andrew’s credit card to run a tab, sabotaging her plan. The girls meowed one by one that tabs are so declassee! We are sure that Ashley will receive a public flogging for this gross etiquette oversight at a later date.

Robyn, taking the kitten theme to heart, pounced like a tiger on Ashley as she purred her hellos. Robyn got a little off track prattling on about people being thirsty and dehydrated and needing water.

A christening and bad metaphors really gave water a bad rap.

She regrouped long enough to get the fur flying a little over Ashley’s being all up in her money business. Ashley, who may or may not have been sporting a real live kitten-eared headband, apologized and licked her paws until Robyn forgave her.

Oh, but those Potomac girls got downright catty when Ashley’s birthday Porsche rolled in. Katie practically mewed her displeasure at Ashley’s good fortune.  She wanted to skin Ashley right there but she drove off in her Porsche before Katie could as much as hiss at her.

Good old Andrew got in the last word when he pointed out that a Porsche doesn’t have seven seats. Maybe there is hair left on that guy’s chest after all.

Katie’s face, illuminated in Ashley’s fancy tail lights, said it all. Just like a walking advertisement for busted up dreams. So she had no choice but to toast the birthday girl with a middle finger salute.

Crass? Yes. But it was refreshing to see her focus on another part of her hand other than the ring finger.

Maureen Stiles

About Maureen Stiles

Maureen is the author of the blog Magnificence in the Mundane. You can read her monthly column at The Town Courier.

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