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Bringing humor to the many challenges of parenting, driving a gigantic SUV full of smelly boys and their friends, letting go of the idea of perfection and tackling middle age all serve as my inspiration. We all have common experiences, I just share my take on the absurdity of every... Read more

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Real Housewives of Potomac Recap—Season Finale

How can it be that it’s almost time to wrap up the wrap ups? Time flies in Potomac when you’re not even remotely keeping it real.
However, the Season Finale of Real Housewives of Potomac delivered like Domino’s this week and we savored every morsel.
Why you ask?
Because Andrew finally put on his big girl panties (or in his case a girly, flowered shirt) and put a ring on it. Unfortunately, the hideous shirt was just the beginning of the most unromantic proposal in television history.
Well, I guess Katie could have pulled out a ring and asked herself and announced it to Andrew when he came home from a golf trip like she did with the house renovation. That would have been way, way worse but way, way more exciting.
So, after driving out to Katie’s family farm and being greeted by a caretaker– who looked a lot like Kato Kaelin from the OJ Simpson murder case–we sensed something was up. They wandered out to a field and she started in with her Katie-babble about a vortex and being all zen.
Amid a semi-circle of hay bales, Andrew got down on two knees and popped the big question. This is when Venus and Mars kicked in people. Poor Andrew looked like he was on his knees PRAYING for the strength to go through with it. Later in the show, the Katie-spin was that he was on two knees like he was BEGGING which is befitting for Princess Katie.
Tomato, tomahto, either way, the proposal was about as appealing as the manure and flies. Here are a couple of snippets
Katie: “Oh good, now I don’t have to give you an ultimatum.”
Andrew: “I am thinking a five to six year engagement..”
Wait, now I get it… they are engaged like Tom Sawyer and Becky Thatcher. Engaged to be engaged. My invite might be a long time comin’.
Checking in on our other resident odd couple, Ashley and Crocodile Dundee, post Buttgate. Michael brought home dinner but Ashley wouldn’t let him come in the room until she had primped. If my husband brought home dinner, I would be tackling him in the driveway, unshowered and in my bathrobe.
Ashley FYI, primping was a total waste because you didn’t do anything about that Glamour-don’t-poodle-hair. Much like last week on the golf course, that whole visor look forced your unruly poodle locks into a replica of a head of broccoli. #hatsarentforeveryone
The talk turned to Ashley’s exploding ovaries which made Michael shove sushi in his mouth like it was his last meal. In the second least romantic moment of the night, the Ancient Aussie suggested the baby making begin when the new restaurant breaks even. Ashley furrowed her brow like she sensed this plan might not go her way, but doesn’t have the logic to fight it.
For those keeping score, it’s:
Crocodile Dundee 1
Ashley’s overactive ovaries 0
Clearly winning, however, is Gizelle who managed to parlay a bad date into a major coup for her dad. Herman was the guy who looked like he wanted to sop up Gizelle with a biscuit for dinner, so G-girl had to move on. But not before Herman pulled some strings for Mr.Gizelle Senior to be honored in a ceremony for his participation in the Civil Rights Movement. He regaled the family with stories about Martin Luther King in the sanest moment of the entire season.
That ceremony was great and all but Gizelle had another big event to attend: The “Come to Jesus Lunch” (CTJL)
Not to be confused with a bible thumping revival, this was Gizelle’s way of bringing together the ladies and airing all the dirty laundry outside on the line at Old Angler’s Inn.
Group lunches on the Housewives always deliver a one-two punch but I could kiss the editors at BRAVO for showing the ladies hobble their way through the gravel parking lot in totally inappropriate shoes. I rewound the DVR to watch it twice and snort laughed.
Any woman who has ever been to Old Angler’s knows the struggle is real in anything but tennis shoes. FYI Old Angler’s, your menu features $40 meals, buy tar, close the parking lot and apply it. Thank you.
Having survived the trek from the car, everyone needed a drink to get the honesty flowing. Everyone but Katie who was already showing she honestly didn’t give even the tiniest of craps about being more than fashionably late.
Engaged Katie is living in a bubble of love accepting congratulations from the group who were snacking on snarky at lunch. That just brings a tear to my eye. Oh wait, that’s not a tear, it’s flying debris from the CTJL.
Karen came into the CTJL H-O-T-T-hot. Wow.
That’s why her exchange with Ashley about becoming a mother will go down in Housewives history. Andy Cohen has a new Top 10 Housewives moment for his roundup.
See Karen got all crotchety about Ashley spending time with her precious baby chick; Raven even though they are, like, two years apart in age. Ashley considers herself a role model and Karen considers her a roll short of a full dozen.
Karen insisted that Ashley won’t understand until she has a baby and then proceeded to give Ashley the uncensored non-clinical version of how Crocodile Dundee can impregnate her. That exchange almost made me nostalgic for ButtGate.
Gizelle too. She made the mistake of popping an appetizer in her mouth just as the family life class started and almost needed the Heimlich.
Kudos to Gizelle for turning the Reserved sign from the table into a gavel like Judge Judy. No one was allowed to speak unless they held the Reserved sign. The irony of the word “reserved” with this group never occurred to any of them.
Katie’s love bubble burst hard, right about the time Karen became the sex ed teacher from hell. And free of love’s spell, she uttered the most perfect words,
“You are a stupid person, who says stupid things.”
Doesn’t that just about sum up BRAVO in general and the Housewives in particular?
Go ahead read it again, I’ll wait.
See? I could not close out the season any better than good old Katie-did.
The reunion is up next week—Whoop!! The previews look like all the make-up was done by the crew from “Little Shop of Horrors” so you know they are going for the jugular.
Maureen Stiles

About Maureen Stiles

Maureen is the author of the blog Magnificence in the Mundane. You can read her monthly column at The Town Courier.

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