Summer 2017: The Hallmark of a Good Movie

The nice folks at The Hallmark Channel decided to run movies every afternoon so I could have something to watch while I recuperated and pretended to write. No one would watch them with me, but, realistically, I don’t need a bunch of people complaining and eye-rolling over perfectly entertaining, trite dialogue anyway.

They can laugh all they want, but Hallmark movies are empowering. Don’t believe me? Think of all the things I have learned just from being a couch potato:

SAVING A BUSINESS: If I am ever called in to save a failing business that has sentimental value to my family or town, I am ON IT. I am prepared to be ridiculed and given the side-eye for my big city ways and perfectly coordinated outfits when I arrive. Eventually though, my charm, love of small town people and random business acumen will win the day. Once I save the company, I will rediscover all that is important in life and settle down there forever.

SPOTTING A REAL SANTA: Santa is everywhere. And not some crappy, mall Santa who hates kids and chain smokes on his break; the real twinkling fella himself. I know now that if Santa engages me in conversation and lurks suspiciously around, he is bon a fide. In Hallmark land, wise, overly friendly old men with beards are genuine as well. It’s magic I tell you and I believe.

STARTING AN ESCORT SERVICE: This, my friends, is a no-brainer. America is crawling with fake boyfriends and fiancés. I should seriously be getting a cut of this action and negotiating a higher percentage if they end up marrying each other after the jig is up. And no, it only sounds like shady business, it’s wholesome because it’s Hallmark.

COOKING FOR CASH: I had no idea that my grandmother’s secret recipes could rake in the dough. People all over Hallmark are whipping up stuff that must taste more extraordinary than it looks on television. Anyway, everyone from the General Store to big corporations are paying big bucks for these morsels. Think Diane Keaton making baby food out of boredom in “Baby Boom” with worse scenery and acting. I am going digging through the recipe box right now…

HAVE FAITH IN KIDS AND ANIMALS: Oh, that Hallmark supporting cast is so wise… they know a predictable plot when they are written into one and try to convince everyone around them to just end it already. For years, my kids have been telling me they are smarter than I am, maybe they are. If the Hallmark extras are any indication, they know love when they see it, have a witty comeback for everything, exhibit advanced business sense and are generally precocious. Ditto the animals. I think I need to pay more attention to my little people.

So, the next time you think you are just lounging around wasting time and energy, remember, Hallmark is brain food wrapped up in sunsets and bad dialogue. You’re welcome.